No Wayyy! I was soooo looking forward to seeing NEW MOON ! It turned out to be suuuch a bummer! Like so bad! This is THE TWILIGHT SAGA after all, get real screenplaythingywriters!
NEW MOON begins with a kewl shot of skanky Bella in like some forest and then Edward (audience goes yayy!) pops in out of nowhere with a constipated look on his face.
But then an old hag comes along and Edward begins creepily breathing beside her face. And like ewww grandma looks exactly as hideous as Kristen … maybe they used some kinda prosthetic like in that Curious Jenson Button movie (omg Brad was so hawt in it :p) . Anyways we learn that it was all a dream (duh!).
Cut to Bella’s dad (aww love his cute little moustache) wishing Bella a happy birthday (what is she like, 12? *scoff*). Skankella then goes to school, meets her loser friends (including the gay dude who has the hots for her), some boring pop music plays and Edward walks out of a product placement Nissan car in slow motion and proceeds to smooch Skankella in full public view. And OMG Skankella becomes sooo horny in the process and mentally does all kinds of naughty things to Edward. After Edward cracks a TOTALLY lame joke Jacob walks in!! With his huge arms!! Yayy!!
Aaaanyways, nothing else happens for the next two (or was it three?) more hours, apart from silly Edward breaking up with Skankella, Skankella bonding with hawt Jacob, Jacob losing his hair, Jacob prancing about shirtless, Jacob drooling over Skankella, Skankella behaving like a no-good slut, Skankella placing her finger in Jacob’s exposed navel (grossss!!!), Jacob turning into a werewolf etc etc etc. Oh yeahhhhh there’s even one or two scenes with some weird gay Italian vampires with British accents. And bling. I don’ geddit.
ZOMG Jacob looks TOTALLY hot n buff, he can’t act for nuts, and even comes off sooo sissy in the big faceoff scene in Bella’s home. But hey, he’s got biceps, I love it! Ooooh I wish they put a restraining order on all his T shirts. Edward looks like ewwwww! Ugly! Like when he pulls off his robe in Italy I almost barfed out my cola! He kinda reminded me of an actor called Balakrishna, what with the excessive powder, lipstick and mascara. And he’s such a wuss! Chicken-head Kristen as Skankella is soooo boring. Oh my Goood! Her dung-under-the-nose expression throughout is like so bad. And gosh her sleepy, labored dialogue delivery made me want to reach out and slap her awake.
And the other vampires? They just come and go like extras. Ditto for the werewolf clan, who are mostly shirtless, wet and are exposing their unwashed jockey underwears. Eww. And why are they still wearing shorts after turning back into humans? Or wearing only shorts and no tees? I don’ geddit.
Brace yourselves cuz New Moon is such an exercise in idiocy. Somewhere between the boredom and nausea Edward says to Skankella: 'You’re the only one who can annoy me'. I sooo agree.
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