“Clash of the Titans” is a violent, bloodless, ceaseless parade of GCI mutants and monsters that have little discernible purpose other than to detract from the absurd and lackluster storyline. However, with big name stars, this remake of the 1981 cult classic offers spectacular special effects to help it rise to entirely new levels of mediocrity.
It’s a rare achievement for an action blockbuster to actually be boring. It’s not just mildly boring; it’s “mistakenly buried alive” boring. Of course the ancient story of Perseus and the big three – Zeus, Poseidon and Hades – is generally well known, but this version is presented so haphazardly, it feels like they’re making it up as they go along.
From the director of “The Incredible Hulk” and a screenwriting team boasting credits of the forgettable “Aeon Flux” and “The Tuxedo,” “Titans” is not totally without merit. The magnificent Liam Neeson, remarkable Ralph Fiennes and newcomer Sam Worthington (“Avatar”) light up the screen with just their presence. But, Worthington seems completely disinterested in his role and inexplicably sleepwalks through most of the flick.
“Titans” is mildly entertaining. The lavish costumes, sumptuous sets and rousing score are of epic proportions. But, it features the least believable fight scenes since the Three Stooges. There were occasional attempts at humor, but we counted just three placidly jovial moments, so it doesn’t say much when the best part of a movie is the popcorn.
This tale has something to do with . . . well if the screenwriters didn’t really care why should we? Anyway, there’s a power struggle pitting mortals against the gods. Perseus (Worthington), son of Zeus (Neeson), is a demigod or semi-god or OMG, someone even more reluctant to use his powers than Samantha from TV’s “Bewitched.”
From the moment baby Perseus is discovered by his adoptive mortal parents, they realize he is very special. It’s not that he speaks like the e-Trade kid or anything like that, but they know Perseus needs to be raised with a solid foundation for his lofty future. His father predicts that one day they will have to take a stand against the gods.
In a civil uprising, Perseus’ mortal family is slaughtered by Hades (Fiennes), vengeful god of the underworld, which makes Perseus mad as Hell. So, he reluctantly agrees to lead a band of warriors on a perilous quest against the gods and their mythical pet monsters. But, he can only prevail if he chooses to accept his powers.
Originally, the gods created humans so their prayers would fuel their immortality. However, Hades thrives more on people’s fears, so you know, there’s something for everybody. Eventually, man begins to question the gods, reminding us of that line from the Jamaican bobsledder in “Cool Runnings” (1993), “I am feeling very Olympian today!”
One of the many problems with Worthington is he looks out of place. The warriors have long dirty locks and an abundance of facial hair while Sammy is clean shaven and sports a buzz-cut. His emotions are flat and he generates absolutely no chemistry with his leading ladies. Fans of Harry Hamlin, Lawrence Olivier and Ursula Andress will have mixed feelings, but would be far better off watching, “How to Train Your Dragon.”
“Clash of the Titans” is two hours and rated PG-13 for fantasy action, violence, frightening images and brief sensuality. This highly flawed movie is most disappointing as it has all the makings of a major blockbuster. Middle school fanboys and other fans of the genre might still enjoy tracking the action and filling in the blanks themselves.
And, followers of the recently deceased Peter Graves who remember his hilarious role from “Airplane” (1980) might best appreciate the hunky “gladiators” running amok here. Finally, it is said that a great actor can make even the dictionary sound interesting. If true, next time please skip the script and just pull out the old Funk and Wagnalls.
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